Dear Daughter,

Honestly, I haven’t always been very honest… with myself.  About a year ago, I was faced with a harsh reality that seemed to come out of nowhere. I felt blind-sided. So what did I miss? How did I NOT see this coming? After the alarming news, I relentlessly recounted the events leading up to that point in time. After countless hours of overanalyzing (because as women that’s what we do), I came to the conclusion that I had been living in a fantasy world biased to the truth of my reality; the reality that I didn’t know everything, I wasn’t a perfect person, and I didn’t always get it right. I was in a dangerous place, unable to be honest… even with myself. It was time for a self-evaluation. I decided to deliberately take time to look in the mirror and see the actual reflection looking back at me. So, here’s my honest truth…

To be completely candid, I have a hard time accepting the truth and would rather not hear unflattering facts about myself. Unfortunately, I’m not always teachable. Oftentimes, I act like a spoiled brat when I don’t get my way. Seriously, I’m too old for that. Truth be told, I like to play the victim; quick to point fingers at someone else and what they do to hurt me but never acknowledging the pain I cause. When necessary, I play the “mean girl” role very well, manipulating situations in my favor. You may not know this, but I’m not always a great listener; I have “selective hearing”, only retaining argumentative points that I can use to my advantage later…

If I can be honest, I knew the risk of what I was getting myself into, ignoring a strong feeling in my heart that I just shouldn’t do it. I knew I wasn’t ready. Truthfully, I’ve held deep-rooted grudges and the bitterness inside has been hard to let go, causing more damage than good. Since I’m being honest, it has taken much more work and effort to repair the things in my life that have been shattered than I anticipated. I have honestly wanted to put my best foot forward, but to tell the truth, I wasn’t sure if I even had enough energy to put forth what it would take to mend the broken pieces. I knew I still had work to do in my own heart…

Frankly, I look at the circumstances around me and lose faith, but in all honesty, God is preparing me for the next phase of my life… To be truthful, I instantly doubt Him when things do not go as planned, allowing myself to give up too easily, but in all honesty, I can’t bring myself to believe that it won’t work out for my good… If I can be honest, these hardships don’t feel good, but in all honesty, there’s no doubt that these bearings reveal the areas in my life that still need restoration… To tell you the truth, I don’t see it now, but in all honesty, someway, somehow it will all be just fine.

As we have our daily chitchats recapping the highs and lows of our day, I always encourage you to be open and honest. Yet, I never want to ask you to do something that I am not doing myself. So I vow, as your mother, to be more ingenuous in conversation, not painting a picture of how I want to be perceived but truly recognizing the truth of the matter. So, together, let’s admit our shortcomings and detach the deceitful mindset at its core. If you don’t, you are only fooling yourself. Take a little time today for self-reflection. Love, never forget that God is devoted to forgiving and purifying you.

Be honest in the process,

Ana J.

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